well, old news, new info

Hello peeps!

SO the old news is, my ankle is still messed up, but I found out that it has gotten worse. Basically one ligament has completely torn off now, another one is either gone, or "dangerously close" to ripping off as well, and another one is badly stretched. Now, this means that my talus bone (the bone of the foot right below the tibia that is usually held in place by the ligament I no longer have) has moved downward and in. This means that it is hindering my range of motion in the joint, and my physiotherapist says that if I don't get that fixed then it could go into a position and lock my joint completely so i wouldn't even be able to walk properly. Because of this, I am no longer allowed to go on my tippy-toes (on demi-point) or sit cross legged, or sit on that foot at all. Now, because of this lack of motion and shifting of bones, my achilles (or however you spell it) tendon has tightened a great deal, so when I do cross my legs and try to straighten my ankle it snaps and hurts a lot. It has also caused my calf muscle to become really tight as well.

SO...

With all this information, and after talking to my mom and dad, surgery seems like a pretty good option for me. Well, actually, I don't really want to have to get surgery, but if it helps me walk when I am 40, it could be the best thing for me. So I am going to talk to my physio about the option, and regardless of what she says I am going to see a doctor and get a referral to an orthopedic surgeon and see what they say about it.

Now this has been a very hard thing for me to deal with for several reasons. Firstly, I am super stubborn about my injury, so with a little tylenol and willpower, I feel like I have solved the problem, when really I just have been perpetuating it. Also, it makes me remember that I will never be a gymnast ever again. This is the hardest thing for me. I realize now that I never mourned the loss of my first true dream in life, and I still identify as an athlete, and more specifically as a gymnast. This is something I suppressed, and has been bursting out of me at odd times since I quit. I know now I really have to find a way to move past it, and see that it is truly a part of my past, and I have to be able to look back and revel in the memories without pain. I also feel like it is something that is beyond my control. I am quite a perfectionist, but nothing I do personally is going to change the fact that my ligaments are gone and stretched, so I need to accept outside help from doctors, physiotherapists, surgeons, and even possibly a psychologist, and the idea of needing all of that makes me feel repulsed by the situation. Logically I know I need this all, but emotions are not logical things are they?

So yeah, I have been struggling with this for a while, but I want to see a doctor sometime this week to get a referral. I don't know if and when I will be able to get in for surgery, but I just really hope it doesn't interfere with my summer London school plans. But there is no real good time to get a surgery that requires MONTHS of recovery...so I guess I don't really get to be so picky.

I just hate having to deal with something that happened close to 5 years ago, you know? I feel mad at myself for not taking care of it after my first 2 years of physio, I feel angry at the physiotherapists for not fixing me, I am sad, and scared...terrified actually, but when I am calm I also see a lot of hope. So I guess I will take this one limping step at a time, and see where that takes me.

On another note, I am excited about the rest of this year in school, and for next year as well. Things are looking good on the academic standpoint. Friend-wise, things have calmed down a bit. I spent a wonderful Valentine's Day with three other girls from my class, and the day before that I watched Hermit dance in a ballet. My God she is a gorgeous dancer. There are a few people that i need to talk to about certain things, but generally life is good on that front as well.

I am in a show called Easter, in UVic's Studio Series. This is a place for writing students to get their plays performed by actors in the department, and directed by people in the department as well. It should be neat. It is about the last three "people" left on Easter Island. A diplomat (me), an Artisan, and a religious leader, and how we all need to work together to make society work, and when we can't work together, how society will crumble. We get to do exaggerated movement and voice work in it, mixed in with naturalism, so I am having quite a bit of fun with it. it is also the first time I will have performed in our black box theatre. So I am excited!

So yeah...sorry for not updating until now...I know it's been a while! Hopefully I will be able to update more frequently!

LOVE! <3

Mouse