Self respect. Warning: not the happiest post.

So...things need to change so that I can be happier. I was talking to a good friend of mine a few days ago, and I was able to bounce ideas off of her, and she off of me, and I realized that there are some self destructive things I have been doing, that I need to stop. Now, usually I don't post things like this on here...it's all whining, and excitement, and rants and whatever but I feel like if I am going to change anything, I have to decide it in a way that I can't take it back...and that is if other people know about it, and helpp me with it.

Ok, so first the thing everyone who knows me should know about me: I am probably the most insecure person you've ever met. Now, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I have soooooooooooo many (and I mean SO. MANY.) walls put up to hide it, and the friends I've had the longest know most of them, but at the deepest part of me, I am pretty much afraid of everything. I hide with humour. I do love making people laugh, but sometimes it just goes a little too far with me, and it becomes painful. I hide behind perfectionism. I hide behind loudness, a confident facade (though occasionally I do actually feel it...), laughter, strength, lots of things. I am afraid that if I let any vulnerability show, people won't like me anymore. Which is ridiculous, because vulnerability is something I value so much in other people. If you can think of it, I am probably insecure about it. Now, I know a lot of people are insecure about the things I am insecure about, but I just haven't been dealing with it in a healthy way: not now and not in my past.

I have set up my social life in a way that people find it easy to laugh at me. Not with me. I make jokes often, so people make jokes about me, often ones that hurt me deeply, and I say nothing because at least one person is getting something happy out of the situation. I am afraid that if I keep this up, people will stop taking anything I do seriously, or I will stop taking myself seriously. There are a lot of layers to me, as with any person, and I have been trying SO hard to stifle myself, for god knows what reason. fear of judgment? Fear of isolation? Fear of stepping on people's toes? Fuck if I know. All I know is that it's been going on way too long, and it's finally getting to me in a huge way. All this month I've been feeling quite down, and I think it's for these reasons that it's happening. I haven't been respecting myself, and so I am not getting the respect I want.

I find it so hard to let go in front of people. Everyone cries, and I do...and more often than people might think, but it is always SO difficult to do it unless I am alone. It makes people uncomfortable...and thereby makes me uncomfortable. I wish that could change, but we'll see. I think that is the stem of a fairly frequent feeling of loneliness for me. I do get lonely, and often...even though I am surrounded by brilliant people, and wonderful friends. I often feel like I don't really belong, or I don't quite fit in. That there is something wrong with me that sets me apart from everyone else. I know this is totally all in my head, but it does get to me. There are not many things in my life that can get me down as much as feeling cripplingly lonely while physically surrounded by people.

In theatre history, there was a debate about whether people "act" or "wear masks" in everyday life. Well, in my brief experience, I can damn well tell you that I, at least, most certainly do. I don't know if there is a "true self" but I would like to find out. We were talking about how people are cast in certain roles by the people in their lives. Well, I think we cast ourselves in roles as well, and I am beginning to hate this role I have cast myself in for a good part of my life. What I would like to know, is how does one go about changing this role, even though most of the people I know, only know me as being this certain way? I have other roles too, and most of them I absolutely love, but this is one thing that has to stop...but I don't know how.

Another big thing that I am thinking about is something I touched on briefly in my last post. Being in Yerma has changed me, and I am SO happy for it. But it is throwing how I think about myself in "real life" into a not-so-pleasant light. Yerma is a beautiful woman who isn't afraid to own that fact. I...not so much. I have never identified much as a) a woman (thank you sports for my wonderful outlook on femininity...)or b) beautiful. I feel like both of these things when I am onstage and performing, but as soon as the costumes come off, reality smacks me in the face, and all of these insecurities start rushing at me again. I could list so many things. Now, I know I am not a typical beauty...maybe not a beauty at all, but one thing I DO know, is that I deserve to feel like one sometimes.

Now, at this point I have to say that this post is sparked mostly by a breakdown I had a few days ago. I am actually feeling quite a bit better now, what with parents visiting, and talking this through with a few people, but if I am going to be honest, I have to say that these issues are still very present. I want to work them through, and if I don't get it out there, I know I won't change anything. And I really have to change something in my life, and the way I identify with myself. I am not generally a whiny person, but I need to gather up some self respect, and find a way to get respect from the others in my life as well. Not with everyone does this happen, and not all the time...but I would like to minimize it even so.

Okay, well...I think that's all I have to say about this. Just as an ending, I feel I have to say that overall I know my life is really fricking awesome. I just need to do some things to make it awesome in all ways.

Until next time.

Yerma

So, the show has opened, and I think it is going well. I can also finally say, with confidence, that I am actually proud of myself. I never thought I would ever be given the real chance to play such a meaty and dramatic role, but here I am, and I feel like I am actually doing it some justice to boot! I have been learning things about myself...both things that I need to celebrate in myself, and things that I need to learn to appreciate more. If you know me at all, you should know that I have struggled my whole life with the image I have of myself. I have not always been the most healthy when it comes to my relationship with my physical self, but I can honestly say, I have never felt more beautiful than when I am onstage playing this role. This is an overwhelmingly positive thing for me. Sometimes, however, it throws how I feel about myself in real life in stark contrast...and I know I need to work on it. But I guess in a way that is positive as well. I am also feeling so much more confident in my choice to become an actor, and one with a varied and fulfilling career. I don't want to be type cast my whole life, and now that I know I can play something like this, I feel like I can fight against being the clown my whole life. I am actually SO proud of the whole cast. I think we all work together SO SO SO well, and without the support of everyone, I feel like there could have been many a break down for me on this journey. Also...two words: Warwick Dobson.
He is our director, and I seriously am in love with the process and environment he gave us all to work within. I have never had a more wonderful acting experience than this one. I had to take SO many risks to play this role, both professional and personal, and I feel like if it weren't for Warwick and the cast it would have been SO much more difficult to push myself to where I am now. This whole experience has made me really feel solidly that acting is what I am meant to do. I am so appreciative, and feel so lucky and privileged to have been given an opportunity like this one. We'll see how the whole run goes, but I am feeling extremely optimistic about it! <3 Until next time!