WOO

this is my first post on my new laptop. This is tres exciting to me!

hmm

Have any of you felt like you can be surrounded by people and still be absolutely, painfully lonely? Well...I didn't think so until this summer...or maybe this moment. Or this week. I don't know when this feeling started, but it has grown now, and I thought it was worth writing about. I see people all around me making all of these meaningful and fulfilling relationships, and I feel so lonely. Even when I, myself, am making connections of my own. I miss my "in the woods" gang, I miss my UVic friends, I miss having a community in a cast of a play, and I miss having a romantic connection to another human being. Although what I am about to write is probably false...I feel like I am not as missed as I miss others. Does that make sense? I feel like...at this moment...if I faded into the background, and didn't reach out to anyone...no one would reach back to me. And I know that is selfish, and mean, or whatever to feel that. And it IS feel that...I KNOW logically this is all retarded...that it's all a part of my feeling unworthy for certain things...maybe I am just scared about the future changing...I don't know. Man...it COULD just be that I have been chronically exhausted all summer. ha. And I know that my mood swings like a giant pendulum anyways, so tomorrow, I may read this and be all...umm...whaaaat? But for now...this is how I am feeling.

Love you guys. I don't know how I'd live without you all <3