The Future: half baked brainstorms

Ok, so I've been home and have had lots of time to think about what I want my life to look like in the years coming up. I guess this is a post in which I kind of brainstorm about what it is I want to do with myself!

First, for the very short term: I've already applied to the JET Programme exchange with G, which is pretty cool I wasn't expecting to apply to this, but then I thought...why the heck not? It's such a cool opportunity. Teaching English in a Japanese school for a year. I got the application in with a mere ten or so minutes to spare, but it was postmarked for the correct date, and BAM, that is done. I am hoping I at least get an interview for this job. It would be an amazing experience, and the money's not too shabby either!

As for other applications, I am hoping to get the musical theatre ones sent off this week to Arts Ed (not musical theatre, but it has dance and singing in it), Guildford, and Mountview of course! All of these are one year Masters programs. God I want to do this SO badly...I've wanted to go to London for musical theatre for years...probably around 6 years or more. After going last summer it just solidified that fact. I know I meant to do musicals in my life, I just don't know to which extent. Small or big stages...local or international...we'll just have to see, I suppose. All I know is that I feel the most alive and happy and confident when I am doing musicals...and singing in general. As scary as it is to audition and the prospect of being rejected, it feels good to know that I am taking real steps towards the future I want. I will keep everyone updated as to the status of my applications as I find out.

There is something that MAY stand in my way for MFAs in Musical Theatre this year though. That is my ankle. My injured, painful loose little ankle. I finally went to see a Sports Med Doctor to see if I actually need surgery on it. He said I really do, and even if I wanted to do musicals as just a hobby and not a career like I do, he'd recommend it. I have two ligament on the outer side of my right ankle that have been so stretched and so damaged so many times and for such a long time that they are now unable to heal at all. They are so loose that rolling my ankle happens way too much, and too easily and (this is kind of gross) when he made my lie on my back with my leg bent, he was able to hold my foot down, and move my leg around on the top of my foot (without the foot moving) more than an inch each way because of how loose it is. SO, I will probably be getting said surgery in the summer of this coming year...so HOPEFULLY the fucker won't bug me anymore afterwards. BUT the problem is that I wanted to audition for schools this summer...which includes dancing...so instead, I am going to send in the applications, and then email the contacts I've made over this summer, and see if anything can be arrange. Something like me bringing a tape of a movement project, and still doing the acting and singing part, or something like that. If it all goes my way, I'll get into all of these places, choose the best one, rock that year like crazy, get in a show right away and become a dazzling West End star! But we'll have to see! If I don't get in and i DO get in to do the JET programme, then I'll do that.

I am also hoping to start making plans about what I'll do if I don't get accepted to any of this! I am hoping to move to either Toronto or Montreal (but honestly Toronto is more appealing to me...more commerical theatre) with some of my friends and we can live as poor but eager theatre kids in the real world. I have been realizing more and more that without good friends and surrounding love and happiness, nothing else matters. I have wonderful friends I've made from elementary school, and I've made amazing friends in University and I know I have to keep in touch or I just won't be fulfilled in life. I can't live without love, even if that means I won't ever be recognized in the field I want to be in. (though, if I have my way I'll have both!)

After that, I just hope I can always do theatre, and singing, and dance to be honest. Even if i never get famous, or never get on a big stage, I want to continue doing these things. I just wouldn't be me if I weren't a dramatic kid who bursts into songs at the drop of a dime, and dances like a maniac if I want to. So there.

Now, none of these plans are concrete, and that is exciting, but it is also terrifying! I have to believe that whatever happens is meant to happen and will make me a better person for experiencing whatever it is. With belief in myself, and support of others, and it going vise versa as well, I do feel like I'll be alright in the end, and won't die of some flesh eating disease while living in a dumpster, but I don't even notice because I've gone crazy and actually believe I am Ethel Merman while constantly rocking back and forth endlessly singing about how "there's NO business like SHOOOOWW business, like NOOO business I KNOOOOOOWWWWW."

So yes, there are some half baked plans that I would like to achieve some time in my life. I hope some if not all can happen!

Now for something completely different: my parents are coming home from Malta today, and I am SO stoked to see them! I am going to pick them up from the airport in about half an hour! The house is even super clean so they won't get mad, hahah! I've gotten all of my Christmas presents bought, and I will wrap them after I pick up les parents. After that I plan on baking cheesecake tarts and almond balls for Christmas! On that note, I think I can bid the net adieu! I'll write more once I have something actually exciting to talk about! Toodles for now!

Kes <3

I'll be home for Christmas

actually, I am home already! In the C-Dot. It has been good so far, seeing my mom, being in my old bedroom, having groceries, you know, all that good stuff. THOUGH, my parents have now both left on the holiday until the 18th, my friends from Calgary are not in town yet, my Vic friends have JUST started to arrive, and I've done nothing but watch really sappy movies. hahah, for the love of my own sanity, I should really stop watching romantic comedies. They make for an unrealistic hope of finding love overnight. But really, apart from being a little bit lonely, things are really good. I finished up my last paper for this semester, and am excited to do Christmas baking, shopping and decorating, catching up with friends (once they get here...), visiting Lethbridge, doing applications for musical theatre schools, applying for jobs, and scholarships and watching tons of Christmas specials. I have definitely become unaccustomed to the cold here though...I feel like a huge wuss...shivering indoors, and never feeling warm when outside. Hopefully I'll toughen up again during this month here. Well, I don't have a whole lot else to say! How have your breaks all been going? To all the people who will be coming to Calgary: I am excited to hang out, and for all the people in Victoria: I miss you already, and am excited to see you in the new year! Have a wonderful winter break!

Love,

Kesinee

Self respect. Warning: not the happiest post.

So...things need to change so that I can be happier. I was talking to a good friend of mine a few days ago, and I was able to bounce ideas off of her, and she off of me, and I realized that there are some self destructive things I have been doing, that I need to stop. Now, usually I don't post things like this on here...it's all whining, and excitement, and rants and whatever but I feel like if I am going to change anything, I have to decide it in a way that I can't take it back...and that is if other people know about it, and helpp me with it.

Ok, so first the thing everyone who knows me should know about me: I am probably the most insecure person you've ever met. Now, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I have soooooooooooo many (and I mean SO. MANY.) walls put up to hide it, and the friends I've had the longest know most of them, but at the deepest part of me, I am pretty much afraid of everything. I hide with humour. I do love making people laugh, but sometimes it just goes a little too far with me, and it becomes painful. I hide behind perfectionism. I hide behind loudness, a confident facade (though occasionally I do actually feel it...), laughter, strength, lots of things. I am afraid that if I let any vulnerability show, people won't like me anymore. Which is ridiculous, because vulnerability is something I value so much in other people. If you can think of it, I am probably insecure about it. Now, I know a lot of people are insecure about the things I am insecure about, but I just haven't been dealing with it in a healthy way: not now and not in my past.

I have set up my social life in a way that people find it easy to laugh at me. Not with me. I make jokes often, so people make jokes about me, often ones that hurt me deeply, and I say nothing because at least one person is getting something happy out of the situation. I am afraid that if I keep this up, people will stop taking anything I do seriously, or I will stop taking myself seriously. There are a lot of layers to me, as with any person, and I have been trying SO hard to stifle myself, for god knows what reason. fear of judgment? Fear of isolation? Fear of stepping on people's toes? Fuck if I know. All I know is that it's been going on way too long, and it's finally getting to me in a huge way. All this month I've been feeling quite down, and I think it's for these reasons that it's happening. I haven't been respecting myself, and so I am not getting the respect I want.

I find it so hard to let go in front of people. Everyone cries, and I do...and more often than people might think, but it is always SO difficult to do it unless I am alone. It makes people uncomfortable...and thereby makes me uncomfortable. I wish that could change, but we'll see. I think that is the stem of a fairly frequent feeling of loneliness for me. I do get lonely, and often...even though I am surrounded by brilliant people, and wonderful friends. I often feel like I don't really belong, or I don't quite fit in. That there is something wrong with me that sets me apart from everyone else. I know this is totally all in my head, but it does get to me. There are not many things in my life that can get me down as much as feeling cripplingly lonely while physically surrounded by people.

In theatre history, there was a debate about whether people "act" or "wear masks" in everyday life. Well, in my brief experience, I can damn well tell you that I, at least, most certainly do. I don't know if there is a "true self" but I would like to find out. We were talking about how people are cast in certain roles by the people in their lives. Well, I think we cast ourselves in roles as well, and I am beginning to hate this role I have cast myself in for a good part of my life. What I would like to know, is how does one go about changing this role, even though most of the people I know, only know me as being this certain way? I have other roles too, and most of them I absolutely love, but this is one thing that has to stop...but I don't know how.

Another big thing that I am thinking about is something I touched on briefly in my last post. Being in Yerma has changed me, and I am SO happy for it. But it is throwing how I think about myself in "real life" into a not-so-pleasant light. Yerma is a beautiful woman who isn't afraid to own that fact. I...not so much. I have never identified much as a) a woman (thank you sports for my wonderful outlook on femininity...)or b) beautiful. I feel like both of these things when I am onstage and performing, but as soon as the costumes come off, reality smacks me in the face, and all of these insecurities start rushing at me again. I could list so many things. Now, I know I am not a typical beauty...maybe not a beauty at all, but one thing I DO know, is that I deserve to feel like one sometimes.

Now, at this point I have to say that this post is sparked mostly by a breakdown I had a few days ago. I am actually feeling quite a bit better now, what with parents visiting, and talking this through with a few people, but if I am going to be honest, I have to say that these issues are still very present. I want to work them through, and if I don't get it out there, I know I won't change anything. And I really have to change something in my life, and the way I identify with myself. I am not generally a whiny person, but I need to gather up some self respect, and find a way to get respect from the others in my life as well. Not with everyone does this happen, and not all the time...but I would like to minimize it even so.

Okay, well...I think that's all I have to say about this. Just as an ending, I feel I have to say that overall I know my life is really fricking awesome. I just need to do some things to make it awesome in all ways.

Until next time.

Yerma

So, the show has opened, and I think it is going well. I can also finally say, with confidence, that I am actually proud of myself. I never thought I would ever be given the real chance to play such a meaty and dramatic role, but here I am, and I feel like I am actually doing it some justice to boot! I have been learning things about myself...both things that I need to celebrate in myself, and things that I need to learn to appreciate more. If you know me at all, you should know that I have struggled my whole life with the image I have of myself. I have not always been the most healthy when it comes to my relationship with my physical self, but I can honestly say, I have never felt more beautiful than when I am onstage playing this role. This is an overwhelmingly positive thing for me. Sometimes, however, it throws how I feel about myself in real life in stark contrast...and I know I need to work on it. But I guess in a way that is positive as well. I am also feeling so much more confident in my choice to become an actor, and one with a varied and fulfilling career. I don't want to be type cast my whole life, and now that I know I can play something like this, I feel like I can fight against being the clown my whole life. I am actually SO proud of the whole cast. I think we all work together SO SO SO well, and without the support of everyone, I feel like there could have been many a break down for me on this journey. Also...two words: Warwick Dobson.
He is our director, and I seriously am in love with the process and environment he gave us all to work within. I have never had a more wonderful acting experience than this one. I had to take SO many risks to play this role, both professional and personal, and I feel like if it weren't for Warwick and the cast it would have been SO much more difficult to push myself to where I am now. This whole experience has made me really feel solidly that acting is what I am meant to do. I am so appreciative, and feel so lucky and privileged to have been given an opportunity like this one. We'll see how the whole run goes, but I am feeling extremely optimistic about it! <3 Until next time!

Wowza...

...so big reality check, my friends! Found out a few days ago I will be paying for the entirety of the trip to London for the masters' audition, the audition itself, and the whole year of school. That means in a year, I need to somehow get over $25, 000. So...I am working during the year, need one, two or three high paying jobs during the summer, and loans, and god knows what else. But I want this...so somehow it has to work out. Wish me luck. I refuse to give up and feel hopeless, but I AM feeling extremely overwhelmed right now, plus I need to get my surgery sometime this year, which has been stressing me out to no end as well. I am still as optimistic as I can be, but as always, wish these reality checks could have waited for a few more weeks of naive happiness and excitement. Ah well, life is what it is. Moving upwards and onwards, I suppose.

Last week in London!

...this is a super late post, and I don't remember EVERYTHING from the last week, but I though I would post it, mostly so I don't forget everything in this coming year.
Sunday:
a few of us went to go see Jersey Boys matinee. I really liked it, and I know some of Frankie Valli's songs to begin with. Man...the staging was brilliant as well. At one point, the staging was flipped around so it felt like we were backstage watching Frankie Valli and his band playing to the audience with bright lights, and we saw the stage managers and such downstage...it was so simple, but just beautiful. After the show, we got to meet and have a picture with some of the cast mates, and met the musical director who had gotten us cheap tickets and super nice ones as well! the front row of the second section, so it was raised up and had a TON of leg room! After that we wandered around a bit, had some dinner, and just chilled out at Chester House. We had a small dance rehearsal which not many people showed up to at all, hahah guess we know who's here to be serious! Ah well, my voice is pretty much better, so with a good sleep, I know I'll be alright!

Monday:
Again, up at 6:30 for breakfast with the clan. I think we had boiled ham, eggs, and rolls, which was pretty alright. We tubed and bussed over to Mountview for 9:15 to go through dances and do a vocal warm up before our first class of the day. I am really enjoying being a dance captain. I feel like because I am a bit older than most people, and because I have been taking initiative in the duties we've been assigned that everyone listens and respects me, which is super nice. The only class we had in the morning was a masterclass with the musical director of Sweet Charity. Basically for the whole morning, we learned the whole "Rhythm of Life" song. it's funny because I had actually learned this song while in Young Canadians, but I had learned the pg versin, and it had been a lot shorter as well. I was kind of annoyed at our group today, actually, because here we were with this AMAZING teacher who is working ON the West End, and some of the class couldn't even stop talking for three hours to learn some amazing things. Ah well, I can only focus on what I am doing, and so overall I really liked this! I love the song, and think the teacher was super nice...probably a bit too nice actually, hahaha! We then had lunch, and I went over to the grocery store to buy food...it's just so much cheaper doing this way. After lunch, we had more rehearsals for our showcase. The girls started learning a new song called You'll Never Walk Alone, and I have to say, we are preeeeetty damn good! It's four part harmony, and it is STUNNING! The guys have another number as well, they are doing Officer Krupke from West Side Story, and I know it's going to be awesome! Went home, and had dinner, watched Silence of the Lambs ( and a guy named Dan is suuuuuuper good at being Lecter...super creepy!, talked for a long time with Kim and Christina ( a much needed talk!) and then went to bed! I love those two...I don't want to leave in less than a week...definitely not ready.

Tuesday:
Up again at 6:30, breakfast at 7:30, and off to Mountview at 9 for dance and vocal warm up. In the morning, our class was split up into our two groups again for acting and dance. I had acting first. we basically talked about uniting and beating, verbing, motivations, obstacles and then our teacher (Jo Walsh from last week) showed us a bunch of books we should read. I wrote notes, and wrote down a bunch of the titles that I want to read. What I got from this, is basically if ANYONE tells me I am "musical theatre acting" Imma kick their butt! it is the SAME...the same process, character development...same everything. The difference is content...and sometimes you have to elevate the characterizations. An actor has to earn the right to heighten the character though, and so many people don't...which is where lots of poor productions come from. A character like Adelaide still has to be based in absolute truth, with real human feelings and motivations to be real on stage. Only then can she be heightened to who she has to be on stage. I liked that a lot! After that we had dance class. He was like a dancing Jackie Chan. I loved him. He does the dance auditions for Mountview, so he put us through what he would do IN an audition. We did another grueling warm up with him (though not even close to as bad as slow-and-painful death) and then did across the floor stuff. We then had about 15 minutes to learn a dance from Hairspray, which was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun. I loved it...GOD I want to be in that show someday! I feel like I did a good job in this class, and saw the teacher looking at me quite a bit and smiling/nodding that sort of thing, so I got super excited. Goodness...I am getting more confident everyday that I chose the right industry for me! After this we had lunch, and then after lunch we had rehearsals for the showcase. The ladies didn't do a whoooooooole lot after lunch, mostly just waiting for the boys to choreograph Krupke. Our newest song, You'll Never Walk Alone, we are just sitting down and singing it...there is a little scene between Kim and Steven where he throws her to the ground, so we are basically telling her we are there for her. It's really nice. After class, we all went back to Chester, had dinner, watched Jeepers Creepers (which is the STUPIDEST horror movie ever...but still entertaining, especially with a bunch of musical theatre people watching it together!) and then went to bed!

Wednesday:
Another incredibly awesome day! Up at 6:30 for a 7:30 breakfast, and at Mountview by 9:30. We did a review of the showcase so far, and then a bit of a vocal warm up. We had individual singing lessons again. I worked with Claire Daniels (the woman from last week) again, and she was just as awesome the second time around. I did some range work, and more relaxing while singing exercises. I did some more work on Everything Else, and then had time to ask some questions. She told me it was good I hadn't had lessons before this because I am a clean slate to be taught, but still had a good natural voice. She told me lessons now would be a good idea because my voice is maturing, and I am sassy enough to tell a teacher if I don't agree with what I am being taught. I need to work on support in my highest notes of my range because I find them quite easy, so I can get a bit lazy with them! Very informative once again! After that we had Nick Holder again. (I thought it was Holden, but it's Holder!) I didn't get to perform again, but even just watching him work with others teaches me so much, and is SO inspiring. A group of us got to talk to him after class for a long time. I opened up more than I thought I would about my mindframe about myself, and my past with gymnastics. He was firm but very supportive. Yes I was told I couldn't do things, but I listened and believed them. He really thinks I can make it in the London industry, and told me he will be waiting for my return. God...I pretty much love the man, and have only seen him for 3 hours of my life. I truly feel like he has taught me more in 3 hours than I have been taught by any other single teacher I have ever met. We then had lunch, and then rehearsals for the showcase. We learned the last dance of our showcase, which is Run Freedom Run from Urinetown. It's SOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun!!! It is a gospel song, and it's fast, fun, and suuuuuuper high energy! A great song to end our show on! The dance captains decided that we'd show up at 9 tomorrow with the rest of the group to go over things! After class Christina, Sian, Alice I. and I went to go watch Billy Elliot. Oh. My. GOD. it is amaaaaaaaaaaaazing! I can totally understand why it won the Tony Award for best musical now. It is just stunning...the story, the songs, and the DANCING...my god. The boy who played Elliot was 12...ok? 12! And he is a junior associate of the London Ballet company, and was stunning at acting and singing as well...actually ALL of the kids in it were amazing. And the adults...just everything. So far, this has been my favourite London musical! I cried like a tiny child while watching it! After this (it took forEVER to get to and from the theatre....it and Wicked were way the hell out of central London...so it was a long trip) we got back to Chester way later than we all wanted (but it was SO worth it) so we rushed to bed, so we could get up early again!

Thursday:
Up at 6:30, breakfast at 7:30, Mountview at 9 for review and vocal warm up. I don't have a WHOLE lot to say about this day. It was a full day of rehearsal from 10-5. We got all the transitions down, and just nit-picked until it was all clean. It was a long day of dance, but super fun. I just love Lainey...I cannot believe I was so scared of her at first. I think she really likes me as well, she keeps mentioning me in her talks to us, and telling me to remember things she says so I can lead the group later. She is not going to be there tomorrow for the rehearsals or our showcase, so it is Mike England (singing teacher), Cameron, and I who are kind of running it tomorrow. Mike will be bbviously doing singing, Cameron is the acting, and I (with Georgie) am acting as Lainey's eyes for the dancing part! At the end of the day Lainey thanked all of us, and gave a special thanks to the dance captains, though especially to Georgie and I because we had done a WHOLE lot over the two weeks! Then we all went home, and had dinner, and sang together until bedtime. We are all getting kind of emotional about the prospect of leaving. I don't even want to think about it yet...after this, we went home and had dinner and THEN, Christina, Kim and I caught a troll...for real, hahahh! We saw a little troll statue on a balcony and had a little adventure taking it. We decided that we are going to mail him around to each other and take picture of it at iconic places in our Country! Kim is getting him first, so Troll will be off to Hong Kong first! Hahahah, SUCH a good time, SO much laughter! Then it was time for bed!

friday:
SUCH A GOOD DAY! Up at 6:30, breakfast 7:30 (where we showed the troll to everyone! ahahahahahah), Mountview at 9:30. We did a bit of a warm up, review, and vocal warm up too. The morning was rehearsals for the showcase in the afternoon. We ran each dance and cleaned it up, and then ran the whole thing twice, and had notes. Then we had lunch, we all ate at the cantina, and after that went and did our hair and make up. SO many pictures we taken today!!! I had also brought my camera, so I have a bunch of pics from today! We did our showcase, and it went SUPER well, I think! We had about 60 or so people watching, parents and friends and alumni! We finished it, and then were given a certificate of achievement, took group photos, and then bam...the course was over by about 3:30. I can't even believe it's over. Good thing we have plans for tonight, or I'd be a mess. We went to a pub just down the road from Mountview, and had a few drinks, sang too loudly, and then eventually had to say goodbye to people. God...I cried so much. I don't want to say goodbye to these people. Toby gave me his hat he used as a costume piece from our showcase, so I can bring it to Canada when I get back. I had to say goodbye to Sian as well...AUGH...sucks so MUCH! After this, a bunch of us went to Central London to see one last show before we left. Christina, Steven and I went to go see Blood Brothers, while a few more people watched Avenue Q (which I had seen the first time I went to London.) Blood brothers is SO fantastic! The second half especially. It's about twins being separated...so needless to say I cried SO much again! After that, we all decided being our last night together, who really gave a shit if we were tired, we'd all go out dancing, so we went to this shitty little club and danced and drank! We caught the last possible tube, and then I stayed up even later talking to friends. Eventually we just got WAY too tired, and all went to bed.

Saturday:
God damn it...last day. This effing SUCKS. It's after the fact, so I am going to write about the whole experience of this day. I got up early ish (I had been getting up at 6:30 the whole time, so getting up at wasn't hard even after staying up too late!) We all had breakfast together, and then we all packed up and brought our bags to the office for safekeeping. Basically, we just stayed in and talked until one by one people started having to leave. Saying goodbye was extremely difficult. I mean...I know I only knew these people for two weeks, but I have made veeeery good friends with them. Many MANY tears were had today. I HATED saying goodbye to Georgie. Her and Alice I. were the first of my closest friends to leave. God. We WILL stay in touch, I KNOW it. It sucked saying goodbye to everyone though. Lauren, Sasha, Xalvador, just to name a couple. AUGH. Then more and more people had to go as well. Then there were only a few of us left who had to catch the tube to our various places of departure. Roel, Kim, Alice W., Christina and I caught the tube together. I cried each time someone had to get off. I lost it most thoroughly when Kim and Christina had to go though. GOD. So there I was...sobbing by myself on a tube, and then this busker comes onto our car with a stereo and a microphone, and sang this horrible pervy love song and started pole dancing badly. So I go from crying, to laughing hysterically. Man...I bet the people on the tube thought I was insane. I saw a super hot man across from me though, and talked to him for like...40 minutes before he had to get off the tube as well. Man...but I would go from happy, to sad in a matter of seconds...and cry at any excuse. I did NOT want to leave at ALL. I met two other people who were flying to Calgary as well, so that was alright. After the long ass tube ride, I got my money back from my oyster card, and followed the signs to where I needed to go through security, and then to where I needed to wait for my gate to open. I had a bagel for lunch, and just read a book until my gate opened finally. I went to my gate, and waited around there for a bit, and was let on the plane just fine! I was beside this dude who was SUPER twitchy and kept clearing his throat, so I actually think he may have had mild turrets or something, but he was super nice and helped me fill out my declaration sheet thing. I watched like..4 movies the way back as well, because I knew I shouldn't sleep so I could become less jet lagged. After the long flight, I got through customs just fine, got my luggage and saw Jo, Mom and Dad waiting for me at the airport. It was SO nice to see them. I mean, I didn't want to leave at all, but it was really good to have them there and hug them, and talk with them! We had had dinner on the plane, but because of the time difference, it was dinner time again when I got to Calgary. So parents took me out to Chinese food, but I was SOOOOOOOO tired I could barely function. My eyes were pretty much slits, and I couldn't keep them any more open than that. We drove home, I hung out about the house, and went to bed as soon as I possibly could!

Calgary:
The next day we had a BBQ with the family the next day. It was nice to see aunts, uncles, cousins, and all of them. I was still SUPER tired and jet lagged, but it was really nice. We were there for a long time, which was good, because I had to leave Calgary the next day. The next day I went shopping with mom for some stuff, and then I was off to Victoria again, and my plane was delayed for over an hour, but whatevs, I had a book. And I could nap a bit, too. So yeah, I was picked up at the Vic airport by Graeme, and we visited, and the next day life began as normal once again.

I have learned so much from this trip, have a new confidence, validation, support, and positivity that I didn't have before. I know where I want to go in one year from now, and will do everything I can to ensure that I make it back there. New decisions and new choices, I will believe in myself, and let the old lies die. I will remember this experience forever, and can't wait for my future. I am ready for fourth year, and then to go and take risks I didn't know I ever could before this! I will keep in touch with all the people I've met here, including all my friends, Nick Holder, and the teachers if I can. I've found where I belong, and I am not going to forget that, ever! <3

Kesinee

Day 7, one week!

Alright, so it has been a week, and MAN has it ever flown by! Got up at 6:30 again, for breakfast with the clan at 7:30, and left for Mountview at 8:30. Today was 7 hours of rehearsal for our shawcase, so I don't have a ton to write about. I mean, we did a lot, but I can't just write out what I did in the dances. We choreographed three full dances in the one day. Check it Out, My Body, and the boy's dance called Use What You've Got were done. It was a good day full of hard work, and tons of fun! In Check it Out, I am playing a super aggressive prostitute, and get a tiny little featured line in the dance, so that's exciting. It's a really hard hitting dance, with lots of chaos and energy set on a busy street in New York! My Body is the girl's dance, and we are ALL prostitutes in this dance. It is also full of energy, hard hitting, passionate and very aggressive. We are all defending our right to use our bodies how we want to. I also get to dance for a little bit in the boys dance, haha, and I am playing a prostitute in that one, too...it's a dance about hustlers and how they have to use what they got, to get what they want! I have pretty exciting news about today as well. I was asked by the woman I was super intimidated by at first to be one of four dance captains for the group. SO...I guess I didn't have anything to worry about. I am doing really well, am not homesick yet, and feel like I could really end up doing this for real.

After class, we all came back and got a little dressed up, and then me and four other lovely ladies went out to an adorable restaurant called Giraffe, had a drink and some dessert (I had chocolate cheesecake...mmmmmMMMmmmm) and chatted for a bit. My stomach is actually sore from all the laughing that went on last night, too. My goodness the people here are hilarious. I love them, love this, and love the city the program...everything SO much! We got to relax, and it was lovely. THEN, we walked back to Chester, and watched 10 Things I Hate About You, and then went to bed.

I "slept in" until 9 this morning, which was lovely actually...got 9 hours of sleep, which is a new thing, hahaha. I have done nothing so far today except run through my dances a little in my room and watch an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. I am going to watch the matinee performance of Billy Elliot today, and of Legally Blonde tomorrow, so the weekend is going to rock!!!

I am feeling SO optimistic in myself. I mean...I knew I didn't suck at dance, or acting or singing, but it's such an inspiring thing to know that others who are in the business for real, really believe in you. My confidence has gone up in HUGE intervals this week about everything about myself. God...I really do feel like working in this industry could be a real possibility for me.

Well, I am off to get ready for the play, and for lunch, and to just relax and enjoy this weekend (and get over my voice, and my suuuuuuuper stiff muscles!)

Lovelovelove!!!! <3

Day 4, 5, and 6 in London

SO, I find it very difficult to find time everyday to keep this up, but I am doing my best to write down and remember things that have happened to me. SO here are the last three days from what I can get from the memories I have!:

Day 4:
Got up at 6:30 This was a pretty good day! We arrived at Mountview at 9am for warm up (which was ACTUALLY a warm up, and not slow-and-painful death) and got split up into our two different groups. The groups were named Kander, and Ebb, which was amazing because instead of group A and B we have the names of the creators of Chicago. I love musical theater! I am in group K, and it's a really good one, as we have all the boys in my group. Group G is an all female one. So the first thing we did was a singing tutorial. It was a lecture and practical lesson on Vocal Health, which is good. I felt super knowledgeable due to taking voice classes in school already, but little reminders are always a good thing, I think! So, not much to talk about in this one, but it was a good thing. And I took notes! The next thing we had was acting. We did acting through dance first, so learned the prologue to Chicago, and then had to make up a character with a secret and two different verbs to effect the audience, and dance with them. It was really cool. Then we talked about WHY the characters in musicals burst into song, and discovered it's basically because mere words aren't enough in some situations. Now, people who don't like musicals think it is unnatural for this to occur, which is true I suppose of some people, but I see 32 people in my class who burst into song at ANY occasion, so all of you musical haters have to get your facts right first! We did some scene work from A Chorus Line and West Side Story leading up to songs, and looking through intentions and motivations of character through the text and leading up into the songs. I made everyone laugh, and even got an applause when I was reading the West Side Story scene, and I only had one line: Woman's Voice: "Maria!" from the balcony scene. But I did it in the correct accent, and tone which took everyone aback, and then they ate it up, so all was well. Then we had lunch, and afterward we had rehearsals for the showcase coming up at the end of the course. For an hour we did acting improve. We were all split up into 4 groups, and had to do a scene on a street that lasted for 2-5 minutes. We were set in a hospital, and it was super stressful to get on it's feet, but I think in the end we did a pretty good job. Then for the last hour, we sang a couple of the songs we'll do for the showcase. We got Check it Out from The Life, My Body from The Life, and New York from On the Town. So it should be a good time. We all tubed and bussed from Mountview to Chester and had dinner together...oooooooh cafeteria food...and then gathered in the lounge area and sang musicals for over two hours. Then I came up to my room, and watched an episode of Dexter and went to bed at about 11:30.

Day 5:
got up at 6:30. This was my favourite day ever...almost of my entire life. I am SO inspired, and feel like I could take on the entire mother trucking world! SO, we get to Mountview at 9:30ish, and do a vocal warm up, and a bit of stretching. The firs thing we had today was individual singing lessons. I had a woman named Claire Daniels, and she was awesome. We did a bit of breath work, and support, and then started working on my belt. We then worked on Everything Else from Next To Normal, which I have wanted to sing ever since I saw it in New York. She says that my voice is beautiful and ready to mature and solidify now, and I am ready to take my singing to the next level. She ALSO said I should never, EVER lose my head voice, as it is resonant and very useful in the industry. I hit high notes I had never hit before...I was singing high E by the end of the lesson, which is really quite an achievement for my voice! Next was song presentation with Nick Holden. He basically wanted us to sing a song, but make it very relevant to our own lives so that the story portrayed in the song would be meaningful, specific, and personal instead of just dry text with a melody. He. Was. A. Sheer. F-ing. GENIUS. He was SO intuitive, and knew what to get out of each person, and how to GET it from each person, and cared so much about everyone. PLUS, he was the youngest person to ever play Jean Valjean from Les Miserables professionally EVER in the entire world. He was 22 when we played it professionally on the West End. So he REEEEEEALLY knew his stuff. I sang Everything Else, and my god...I have never sung a song the way I did when he worked with me. I was so pleased. I thanked him afterwards, and he said some of the nicest and most encouraging things to me, which I don't want to go into detail on here, but if you ask me I might tell you. But they were SO nice I wanted to hug him, or cry, or scream with joy. After that was lunch, and after that was a three hour singing rehearsal for our showcase.

We had all brought a change of clothes for after rehearsals, because part of the course was to go see a West End show, and tonight was the night. We got all dressed up, received our tickets from the Mounvtiew musical theatre director, had dinner at Planet Hollywood, and then got into the theatre to watch Hair. I was actually not all that impressed with the musical. The singing was INCREDIBLE, but I wasn't all that into the acting. Also I felt the story isn't too relevant with this day and age, but all the same, it was awesome to see some professional theatre, and at the END we all got to run up on stage with them for the final number. SO, I can actually say that I was in Hair on the West End this week! hahahah!!! God...I definitely picked the right business for me! SO basically after it was over, we tubed and bussed back, talked about if we did or didn't like it and then went to bed just after a shower around midnight.

Day 6:
Up at 6:30, and my voice is super scratchy today. I think it's from getting only 6-6.5 hours of sleep a night, LOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS of singing, and pushing my voice to it's limit quite a bit. I took it easy the whole day, but even now while I am typing this, it isn't feeling well. AH well, on to the events of the day. Got to mountview at 9:30 for a stretch and warm up. The first thing my group had was dance. We did a fairly intense warm up with the dance teacher, and then some across the floor stuff, which I felt pretty good about. Then we did a Bob Fosse-esque number to a swing dance tune. It was fast, it was sexy, it was stylized, it was full of character, and I LOVED it! I never wanted the dancing to end. Sometimes I get insecure about dance, because as you all know I am definitely not a stick thin person (as so many actors are...in the professional world, at UVic, and here at Mountview), but I got the steps down quickly, put my all into it, made a character, and I think it went pretty darn well for me. After that we had singing with the assistant music director/piano player for Jersey Boys on the West End, so we did two Jersey Boy songs. Our group as a whole was pretty unfocused just coming off from the jazz dance class, but I tried to hold myself in pretty tight, so I would make a good impression on everyone I come across here. So yeah, it was fun, but not as fun for ME as the dance was. then it was a lunch break. After lunch we started doing choreography for My Body from The Life that will be in our showcase. It is the girls number, about prostitution and how our bodies are our own business, and we don't very much enjoy being judged by pretty much everyone out there, including our clients!! SO it is all agressive and sexy, and I get to feel pretty womanly while doing it. I feel kind of intimidated by two of the staff here, but I try to get over as much as I can. Then we all joined together to be told what the rest of the showcase would kind of look like. Then it was an hour and fifteen minute music rehearsal, and finally we worked on My Body again. NOW, my voice is feeling like shit, and so for the last music rehearsal I was pretty much mouthing words, not singing, but getting the melodies in my head so that I don't lose my voice entirely.

I was supposed to go to see Jersey Boys tonight, but I thought I'd be responsible and go to bed SUPER early...aka around 9pm, so I can get a good 10 hour sleep, and hopefully if I do that, plus drink tons of water and don't speak one word until the morning, I will be alright to sing tomorrow. If I can't...and it's ruined itself, I might just cry. So yeah, me and the couple others who were NOT going to see the show came home, ate dinner at 6, and then I came up here and started writing this. My plans for the rest of the evening is to stay in my room so I am not tempted to speak, catch up on some of my tv shows, and then head to bed at the time most 6 year olds would sleep!

SO that is the last three days in a nutshell, thanks for taking interest, and I cannot BELIEVE it's been almost a week now. In some ways i feel like it's been just one day, and in others it feels like I've been here three months. I love the people, love the city, love the theatre scene, love musicals, and LOVE my experience so far. What a learning time it's been for me!!!

That's all I got, so I will try and update more frequently, but I am not promising anything, because it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy here! Love and kisses to all! <3 <3 <3 xoxoxoxoxo

first three days in London!

Ok, so I don't have a WHOLE lot of energy, but I am going to try and remember everything that has happened so far!

SO:

Friday afternoon I was still in Calgary. Chilling with my mom, having lunch and slowly packing up everything. Then Dad walks in the door and is all...so...you all packed, because we're leaving in 4 minutes?! After this I start panicking, but get everything together, say my goodbyes, promise mom to let her know when I arrive in London so she doesn't think I'm dead, and head off to the airport with Joelle and Dad. I KNOW I have traveled a TON, but I have never gone anywhere international by myself before, so I was quite nervous to try it out on my own. Dad gets me to mt gate, gets me in the nice maple leaf lounge, and then...BAM, Kesinee is on her own. I make it to the gate alright, get through and onto the plane, and what luck is in store for me? WELL, the guy who was supposed to be sitting next to me didn't show up, which was nice because I could sprawl and fidget as much as I wanted, and even sleep all curled up but lying down at least. The downside to this is, knowing my luck, if the man HAD shown up, he would have been the British love of my life, I would have been married by the time I came back, and could be eligible for dual citizenship and not have to worry about how I am going to eventually live here. BUT, I have to admit, being able to lie down was pretty nice too. So I get off the plane, follow everyone else like a sheep, and find myself in the line for British customs. Now, there were two lines...one for British and EU citizens, and one for eeeeeeeveryone else. THAT took a good 45 minutes of my time, just waiting. But I finally got through. And NOW, my friends, was the part I was most nervous for: the trek from the Heathrow, to my residence.

I followed the signage and got myself to the underground and bus terminal, but didn't see where to pick up an Oyster card (a card for bus and underground for a week...very handy little thing), so I took an elevator up to the bus terminal and asked a help desk where to get them. I got looked at like I was completely soft in the head, and she was like..."um...downstairs?...you know...like, where the UN.DER.GROUND is?" So I smiled and said thank you as politely as I could, and headed back downstairs in search of said Oyster card. I found the little place to buy it, bought it, got instructions to get to my residence, called Chester House, and was on my way. Finding the underground was easy, as Heathrow is the farthest west the tube goes, so I got on, and had a veeeeeeeeeeeery long tube ride to a stop called Bounds Green. A very hot Spanish boy who looked like Johnny Depp made that ride seem alright though! Also, the last stop on that line was called Cockfosters, and it was announced a few times with this British accent, and it made me really happy to be there! NOW, I had to find a bus to get one...WITH a 50 pound bag, so I dragged my large suitcase up the escalators, and thankfully the close bus stops were given signs at the station as well. I went to the bus stop, and got on and TRIED to remember which stop to get off. Well, I ended up getting off a stop early. I didn't have a CLUE where I had to go, so I asked this super old woman where my house was, and she told me I was just five minutes away! So I lugged my bags up this hill, turned a corner and BAM, I had made it to my residence all safe and sound...if a little hot.

I came in the door, got a key and a tour, and such and found out there was only me and another girl from our program there yet, but we never saw each other that day. It took all I had from not sleeping immediately from the jet lag, so most of the rest of the time was spent either practicing my songs for class, or counting down the hours and minutes until I could finally just go to BED. I tried and tried to get on a computer to let mom know that no, I had not died, I was fine, but I hadn't set up internet in my room yet, and all the rez computers were being used, so I was able to do that after supper, then I showered, read a chapter of my book, and went to bed.
Day ONE DONE.

Day two:

I had gone to bed at 10pm London time, so I woke up at 7am all ready to go, which is nice because it gave me an hour to get ready before breakfast. Most of the morning and afternoon I was alone in the rez, just getting to know a few people not in my program. I practiced my songs a bunch though. Then, at 5:30pm we had a meeting with all of the Mountview people staying at Chester. It was SO good to meet them all. All of them are SO nice, and it was really good to see the people I had met on facebook in person! The remainder of the night was spent getting to know each other, having dinner together, going out to a pub (just one drink, we ALL had to get up early), and practicing together. I am known fondly here as Canada by all the people in my program. I also sang the Canadian anthem for them all, and was able to answer a lot of questions about how living in Canada is! Yes, we do have bears, and snowdrifts taller than me, no it's not always cold, in fact it can get BLOODY hot! I then went to bed at 10:30.
DAY TWO DONE

Day Three: TODAY

Woke up at 6:30, for breakfast at 7;30. All of us Mountviewers at Chester house had breakfast together. Then we had to head off to Mountview at 8:45 to get there at 9:30. We had to take the bus, and tube (just one stop) and walk a bit, but we made it. I paid the remainder of my fees, got a little package with info about my course, and then we all waited in the cantina for further instructions. The musical theatre group was finally called in at about 10:15 am, and we had circle time with more info about facilities and such. There are 32 people in the group all together, but will be split up tomorrow into two balanced groups, so it's more manageable. After the meeting, we all headed to the dance studio. We began with a big "warm-up." I call it "warm-up" because what it should ACTUALLY have been called was "slow-and-painful-death." It was really excruciating, and I forsee many a sore muscle in my future, but I pushed through it, and afterward I felt really good, if a tad shaky. Then we did some across the floor stuff, like kicks (mine were pretty much 180 degrees because of how warm my muscles had become from the slow-and-painful-death, so that was good, hhaha), and turns, and things like that. Not too bad. Then we did some fun choreography from A Chorus Line, and we presented it in groups of four. Did I mention that all of the teachers who will be working with us over the next two weeks were watching everything? Well they were, which was good because it pushed me to work really hard today! They were watching to see what experience we had in everything so they could base their end of course showcase on it, and so that they would be able to put certain people in the two groups so there is a range of talent in both of them! There is no good and bad group, which let the pressure off a little bit.
We then had a little potty break, and was back to do 45 minutes of acting...which was basically a walking exercise, and playing the "party game" which is a pretty standard theatre game. Then it was lunch time, and I had roast chicken and salad...which was HUGE, but much needed after dancing for so long.
After the break it was singing time. We all sat at one end of the studio, and one at a time in alphabetical order, we sang our chosen songs...or at least no more that 2 minutes of it. I was SO nervous, but I think it went well. I had to begin halfway through, which I had never done before, so I accidentally sang the first line of the first half, as opposed to the second, but corrected myself, and the rest went pretty solidly I think. yeah, then we thanked the instructors and were on our merry way. We got a bit lost on the way to the underground, but we made it there, and to the bus again (on which I was nearly hurled down the stairs of the double decker when it stopped...but I'm all good, never fear), and made it back to Chester. I promptly went to my room, got my towel, had a nice long shower, came back to my room, and started writing this! So yes. I THINK that is about everything that's happened in very broad strokes. If you want to know specifics, you'll have to ask me, because my brain has died, and I am about done writing now! Plus, it's time for dinner!

So I love you all, am VERY excited about the rest of this program, and I will try and remember to blog again. Until then, adieu! <3 Mucho Love!

Well...I have finally succumbed...

...to what, you might ask? Well the answer is: to vampires.

Not that shitty Twilight bunk...with their deadpan acting, long jumps through the forest and sparkly-ass skin. NO. My name is Kesinee, and I am addicted to the television show about the sexiest vampires in the world, Anna Paquin, and the way Stephen Moyer says "Sookie." Yes, I am Kesinee, and I am addicted to True Blood. Seriously...in 4 days I watched 27 episodes of True Blood...each of these episodes is 50-54 minutes long...which makes for a shameful amount of me doing nothing...but it has been worth it. Sure it might be porny...but their cute southern accents make up for it all. I KIND of wish I hadn't blasted through them so fast, because there isn't a new episode now until July 9, but I guess I can now watch all of them again at a slower, less rabid pace. Also, I have just started watching Dexter, and also plan on watching Mad Men, So You Think You Can Dance, and Make it or Break it has started again (eh Kathleen?!!!) So, not working may be super lame, and may make my year a little more thrifty and frugal, but it's doing wonders for my catching up with tv shows I've always wanted to watch but never had the time until now!
AND it makes me glad that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are an actual couple in real life. They fell in love playing these characters, and MAN...you can SEE it! Ok, I am going to steer away from the creepy path for a while now.

Hokay, so, basically there NEEDS to be SOME way that we can all see each other all together before Christmas. Most of us will be here in September...we just have to find a way to get Ali and Hannah here, and the crew can be united again! I KNOW this is rather unrealistic, but I miss all y'all and want for us to have a large sleepover sometime in the not too distant future, hokay? Hokay!

PS. HAPPY CANADA DAY! You know, even though I do plan on peacing out of here in a short time, (hopefully!) I do actually really enjoy being Canadian. The nice people, the health care, the education available and all of that jazz. I want to travel the world, live in Europe, even go live in a 3rd world country like my parents did, see it all, experience this planet to its fullest...but in the end? I think I am going to end up in Canada. It was a great place to grow up, that is for sure.

Well...it's late...I ALWAYS do this...I need to revamp (VAMP! HA!) my sleep schedule, so I can get to bed at a reasonable time for once...and I am tired, so for now, I bid you all adieu. Much love, and sweet dreams to you all!

<3 Kesinee (the vampire, and online television streaming addict)

why can't I take good advice?

Some of the best advice I was ever told was actually from Joelle. She told me that we don't talk to our friends as if they are the scum of the earth because we love them, and look past any petty faults to the beautiful person inside, so we should do that for ourselves as well. To treat ourselves well, both on the outside, and inside, and in how we communicate with ourselves. I love that idea so much. Talking to ourselves like we are our own friends. Seeing past the faults to the person my friends can apparently see...the person on the inside, that SHOULD transcend all petty issues we have with ourselves. I love that, and yet I find it so hard to put into practice. I mean, logically this idea makes perfect sense to me...and I DO pride myself for being quite a logical person but I just can't seem to make this concept a reality for myself. Take last night, for example.

I was up later that I wanted...I couldn't make my mind stop going, and I ended up wanting to purge the things going on in my head, so I wrote down a series of statements or questions that were on my mind. I would never say these things to a friend, never even think about for a friend, so WHY do I ask myself these things, and think of myself in this way, even for a brief second.

Some were insulting:

" I feel like my state of employment reflects my self-worth: barely there."

"I feel like I am too fat to succeed in any endeavor I try, such as London, and successful relationships."

"Why do I feel like such a failure?"

and some were just things that my mind won't let go of, even though my advice to a friend would be to forget about all that and focus on the positive things:

"From the time I was very small I've always wanted to impress my father, so why is it now almost every time I think about him I cry?"

"Why is it that the relationships I invest the most in -excluding my friends from Calgary- hurt me the deepest?"

There were more, but those are a few examples I actually wrote down.

NOW, some of those I still feel and do everyday, but some I certainly don't. I need to find a way to talk to myself like a friend, and I think as I talk to more and more people about how their summers are going that lots of people could benefit from this as well. But how to begin?

This IS the question. I feel like there is a little separate part of my brain (like the director on the shoulder in acting class) telling me what my worth is, and why I am not as good as those around me, and I just need to boot him off the shoulder and out of my life. I KNOW I am a good person, I've been brought up well, I have a part time job I enjoy, I am in a good school, will receive a university degree, and will probably (hopefully?) always have a roof over my head and food to eat. Things people take for granted, but shouldn't. I have friends I love and who love me. I have special talents, and hobbies, and things I enjoy and am good at. I just need to remember these things when the little angry bitter voice enters my head and let it overpower any negative things that may be said to me. I need to be my own friend. I haven't been a friend to myself in a long time, but I think I am ready and willing to give it a try. I feel like I will be a lot happier if I do this.

I don't really know how I want to end this post, or really know what message or whatever I can get out from this, but I need to find a way to be happy this summer, and changing my mind frame about myself seems like a good place to start.

Love you all, and thanks for the advice Joelle! <3

Kesinee

Holy God...

...I feel like I'm sinking. I don't even know why, really. I am loving living with Rita, and I know it would be so much worse without her here, but I am slipping nonetheless. I miss my family. Every time I think about them, and how far away they are, and that I am the only one not there, I get really upset. I KNOW this sounds like a little first year complaint, but I was never homesick in my first three years of school. Not really. I have grown up enough to realized how important they are to me, and am still young enough to yearn for the comfort of my childhood home and city. My routines from adolescence, my old job, my car, my room, my friends, the park by my house, my old running route. Everything. I miss it all, but nothing more than my family.

My family also includes my closest friends. I have Rita and Kathleen (and Eve just moved as well) here, but I miss Ali, and Hannah, and Joelle. I miss our sleepovers, and long rambling talks, even our games of truth or truth. I miss watching movies on Ali's epic sized television, and being just a short drive in Myrtle to get to any of you, and all of you.

I miss my job. I miss working with children. I feel so lost here in Victoria. There is no network for me here, no sense of purpose this summer. I feel like I am useless, and the embarrassment of my family. I am the only one to not have a fulltime job. I DO have a job at a theatre here, but it is far too partime. So part time, I often wonder if they really wanted to hire me in the first place.

I think a big thing, is I am just feeling really unwanted within the city. I mean, I do have friends here to hang out with, but no real adult purpose to be here. I had a valid fear at the beginning of the summer that I would regret staying here this summer, and I am afraid that fear is in the midst of coming true. I feel stuck, and sad, and lonely, and mad at myself, and there are happy times, many of them, but right now at this very moment when I am writing this, the overwhelming emotions are negative.

I want to come home. I want to stop crying.

weekend

This weekend was AWESOME! I had a double sleepover with Kathleen and Rita for Kathleen's birthday!!! The big 22, haha! It was so fun, I was so happy to be with people who love and care about me and would never judge or mistreat me. I love you guyssssss!!! (And miss Hannah, Joelle, and Ali WAY too much!) We made yummy food, went out for dinner, watched Date Night (Which was effing HILARIOUS: ZIP YOUR VAGINA!) hahahahaha. SO. GOOD. And just talked, and were in good company. This has been one of the best weekends I've had all year! Sometimes the best times are just doing whatever you want with people you love (even if that means you want to stay horizontal and in your pajamas for way too long each day!!)

Something crappy did happen though. My ankle and foot have been hurting more badly than it has in a long while. I have been taking extra strength ibuprofen regularly for three days, but the pain never quite goes away. I have always been proud of how high my pain tolerance is, but I can honestly say at times my ankle and foot have been almost unbearable for me this week. I can hardly walk...I have to take ibuprofen and then limp like a damn cripple to get anywhere...and stairs hurt a whole lot. I don't even know what it causing this bout of pain. I haven't rolled it in a while...but it just flared up quickly and badly. I have a physio appointment this Thursday, so I can let you all know what is up.

I realized also that I have such an emotional attachment to my ankle. I was walking home a couple of days ago, and it started hurting so badly I almost fell down, and I had to stop for a while. As soon as it hurt, I just burst into tears with no warning, and bawled like a baby the whole walk home, in public...augh. I need to work on that little aspect of my injury. Also, I need to buy an ankle brace. I saw one in a pharmacy near my house for 40 bucks, so I should get it!

I am still looking for regular work as well. I work part time at the Belfry and have gotten two paycheques from them, but I would like regular work. I will hopefully hear from the playcare people from the YMCA soon! (cross your fingers for me!) Also, 8 days until I go to Vancouver to do a paid gig in acting, and 10 days until NYC! I am pretty darn stoked!

I would love an update on your lives, either as a comment here, or as an update on your blogs, or a phone call or anything!

Love always

Kesinee

GOoooOooooOd Summer...

...I am in the process of finding a job, I am going to New York in less than a month, I will be going to London, England end of July, I am getting paid $300+ for an acting job in Vancouver plus hotels and food, and I AM SO STOKED! Nomad is going to be here tomorrow with my Mom and Dad, and we will be LIVING together officially on Saturday! EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I am WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT LIFEEEE!!!!

Philosophers of the old really knew their shit...

...I have had a rough couple of weeks. It is still weird, but I am feeling a lot better. I don't want to delve into all the details of what has happened, but I have had a true falling out with someone in my life. It happened mutually, and for my emotional safety. I am not sure what is going to happen. My mom sent me a message on facebook after hearing about this ordeal, and I am going to let that do the talking about how I am really feeling.

"Anyone can become angry -- that is easy -- but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not easy." -Aristotle

And I completely agree.

Love!

Thoughts of the day...

Classes are finished, presentation day finished...and now I am officially a fourth year in waiting. I am endlessly excited about this, but also anxious about this. What if I never work as an actor after I graduate? What if I am not ever talented enough, or beautiful enough to do this? What if I succeed? What happens next?

Many people in my class...and others...are always asked to be in shows by friends, are complimented by them everyday, are told how much they have grown and flourished. I am SO proud of my class, don't get me wrong, and I KNOW I seem like I am pretty confident...because for the most part I really and truly am...but sometimes I am really not as well. I know for myself that I have come remarkably far from the Footloose days...but I still feel like I have much to catch up with.

I didn't always know I wanted to be an actor...I wanted the Olympics, I wanted to be a surgeon, a teacher, an gymnast...acting was just something I liked doing. I decided when I was 18 that I wanted to act for a living. Pretty damn late in the game. And now I am surrounded by people who knew what they were meant for since they were tiny. they have been training for it...taking classes, being in shows, etc, for a long, long time. I realized a few things recently:
1. I have never played a lead before...not ever...in my entire life
2. The first real theatre I ever did a play in, was Dark of the Moon...my second year here
3. I will have never played in a proscenium theatre...not even when graduated

Now, I know there are positive things as well...I have a pretty well trained voice and body (though...after a lecture from a famous casting director I am feeling pretty low body-image wise), I can do musical theatre, as well as naturalism...so my range has grown, and my base skill set has increased far more than I thought it ever could before coming here.

It's just so crazy seeing my peers and friends graduate and knowing that it one year exactly, I will be in the same boat as them, and I have basically no game plan whatsoever.

Also...this summer will be AMAZING, but I just found out I will be going to London completely by myself. Now, this will be a huge self-learning experience, that is for sure, but will also be one of the most terrifying experiences of my life to date as well. I have done some pretty epic things in my lifetime...going to Worlds and finaling is one of them...but I have always had people there. This time, I will have me myself and I...in London. Amazing, incredible, exciting, and terrifying!

I am so sad that Kathleen won't live with Jo, Rita and I. I was really looking forward to four of six of us finally living together, but the same thing has happened this year as last year. There is no blame in my heart at all...just disappointment. I mean...the easiest thing would have been for me to stay here with Kayla, and not moved, and been as close as the new place to the University...but I decided that living with Jo, Rita and Kathleen was totally worth it. Now...living with Jo and Rita is STILL DEFINITELY worth the move...I am just sad the experience won't be shared by all that it could have affected. This is not meant to make anyone feel bad, but it is just a part of my anxiety I am feeling right now, so I thought I'd write about it. I wish the other house had worked out...but it hasn't and now the results are not ideal.

A job. I need one. I emailed the Belfy again last night, but no response so far. I hope I have that job...because I will be working in a theatre, but not the Phoenix, it is a 15 minute bus ride away, and I like the employees and atmosphere a lot, and it pays pretty well. i want to stay here this summer...but I NEED money to survive as well.

I want to hear from Hannah. I hear from everyone else, I talk to Ali on msn, get to see Kathleen and Jo here in Vic (though not as much as I would ideally like), I have had numerous phone dates with Rita, I get to talk to my friends from school everyday...but I have heard nothing from you Hannah. I know it is not because you want to distance yourself (or at least I hope not...) but probably because it is easy to forget to talk when you're busy with the Co-op. But just know I miss you, love you, and want to know what's new in your life.

I have been feeling more and more appreciative of my friends and family from Calgary...and the few close ones I've made here in Vic. I realize everyday how much I need support ( as we all do) and am so happy I have a strong system around me. I feel like I need to use it more though. I hope that over the summer, and the next year, I will be able to talk to everyone more...even if I won't be where you are. I need you, and want you to know it...am not ashamed of it...don't feel weak because of it. In fact, my need for you is made more full by the knowledge that I am needed as well. I love how mutual my real and true friendships are. Friendships are something I have thought about a lot this year...what a true one is...what a close one is...what a acquaintances are...what kind of friends I want. I feel lucky to have you in my life.

Kind of contradictory to that...this year I have often found myself feeling very lonely. Yearning to connect with people at a deeper level, when it may not be possible. To connect romantically perhaps, even. I don't know why I have been perpetually single for so long. Is there something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Too fat? Annoying? I don't have any huge personality flaws, I am not violent, I think I get along with most people...but yet...never romantically. Not even close. Perhaps it is just not the right time. Perhaps I have to wait, so that when it happens, it is with the right person, and this long wait will have been for a reason. We'll see. I have been more homesick than ever before. BUT, at the same time, I have learned to BEGIN to enjoy my own company, to love myself and get to know myself in a deeper way. I have been working hard on myself...to be a better person. I have grown not only as an actor, but as a human being, and I am really proud of that.

This ended up being a lot longer than I intended...and I don't even know if anyone actually reads these anymore...except for Ali...I know you do, and I appreciate it! BUT...I just needed to get all this out, before it ate up my insides, and caused me grief.

Love you all, miss you all, and hope everyone is doing well. Let me know! Update your blogs, phone me, facebook me, email me! I am always available for my besties! <3

Bye for now!

Kes

HOLY CRAP!!!!! BEST SUMMER EVER!!!

I found out today, I was ACCEPTED to Mounview Academy's Musical Theatre summer program. I found this out today, just as my first guest was arriving for Easter dinner hosted at my place. And where is Mountview you might ask? It's in freaking LONDON, ENGLAND BITCHES!!!!! GOD. SO, basically, I end school in a week. Then on May 20, I head out to effing NEW YORK, and go see Broadway shows. The, I go back to Victoria, where I will be living with Kathleen and Rita over the summer (and then us three plus Joelle in the school year), and will hopefully have a job at The Belfry Theatre. I am also getting paid to act for a corporate humour thing, AND I am doing a grocery store flash mob musical, AAAAND, I have an opportunity to be in a Victoria Fringe Show. THEN, mid July, I pack my bags again and fly out to LONDON, I go for two weeks, training 10 days (5 days a week, no weekends) for hours and hours. Then on Aug. 6, I come back, finish up work, and start on my epic fourth year, being in sweet shows. This is mind blowingly good new, I tell you. MAN! I couldn't be more stoked on life if I tried to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO. HAPPY EASTER! I love you, and I wish I could have celebrated it with you all. I went to church today. I was nervous about it, because it was a new church, and I haven't been to church in a looooooooooong ass time. But it was alright. it's United, so I recognized a lot of how things were in the program. And there was an adorable kids play about resurrection. SO cute. Alex and I went together, so we wouldn't have to go alone, to a place where everyone would know we had never been there before.

So yes. That is all my news. Update all your blogs, so I can know what's going on in your lives!

MUCHO LOVE!!! <3 <3 <3

some interesting developments:

So, the last time I posted, I was super worried about life. basically, my voice teacher had pulled me and three others into her office, and made us all feel like we had no chances of being in either two shows we had gotten callbacks for, for the next year...our fourth, and last, year of school. The two shows are Yerma, by Lorca, and Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. SOOO I had thoughts about how much I suck, and how if I did get cast in Twelfth Night it would be a pity cast, and that there was no way in hell I would get in Yerma at all. Boy was I wrong. In Yerma...turns out I am cast as Yerma...one of the best roles I may ever get to play.

She is a young and beautiful Spanish woman, who is unable to have children. Her husband Juan (played by a guy who was also pulled into that damn meeting) doesn't want kids, and sees them as an expensive and noisy nuisance. It becomes implied to Yerma that perhaps he is sterile...so it it HIS fault, not hers that she cannot have children. She goes to a fertility ceremony, where there is a huge orgy thing, and a dance and song and there is where she kills her husband, and any possibility of her having kids...as she will not entertain the idea of marrying again. Pretty effing cool. AND the language is just gorgeous. Lorca calls it a dramatic poem, not a play, and for good reason. It is beautiful. SO needless to say, I am pretty damn stoked about that.

I ALSO got cast in Twelfth Night, as Feste...who is actually a male clown character. I am double cast with the guy who is playing Juan...so we will be seeing a whole lot of each other next year...but it's ok, we get along. Other than me killing him onstage, we are pretty chill. I will be playing feste as a woman though, and Linda (voice teacher) says that she has exciting plans for me. SO I am stoked about this too, though a little peeved that we had the scary meeting at all...since apparently it was unnecessary anyway.

I decided to move out of the place I am living in now. It's not because I don't like living here, or living with my roommate, because I totally do. It just feels like I need a change, and also, I will be living with Rita and Kathleen. I never get to see Kathleen now, and I feel like if I live with them, I will be able to see them AND her, so I think I made the best choice out of a really hard decision.

Hmmm, what else do I talk about? I am SOOOOOOO ready for school to be over. I can't even wait for it. I am YEARNING towards summer, which is kind of bad as I have so damn much left to do in school before I can peace out. Oh well, somehow it will all get done. ALSO for the summer, I am staying in Victoria, which is something new. Kathleen, Rita, most of my class, and I will be here, so there isn't much reason for me to go back to Calgary. Plus I have some options for jobs here...which I DON'T have in Calgary. Also, neither Alison, or Hannah will be there either. I will miss my mom, dad and Doug a whole hell of a lot though. It'll be weird not seeing them steadily for those four months. I feel like it could be a good opportunity to learn things about myself, and grow up a whole lot, too.

So yeah, I THINK that is all that is new with me, and I want to know what's new with all of you, so keep on blogging! OH, and comment on mine, so I feel like I am not just blithering on about myself to only myself! Ok thanks!

Love you always

Kes!

dear god....

....I am SOOO homesick right now. I had a terrible day today...one of those days where I can truly ask myself...should I be doing what I am doing? Am I actually good enough to do this? I want to see you guys, and I want to be home, and I want to be happy. Hopefully tomorrow is better than today.

Kesinee

This month is craaaaaazy

I have auditions for all of next year's shows, tons 'o projects due, two papers, and a final, plus an audition for a potential summer acting job, an interview for another one, a directed study show, I'm working at the Belfry Theatre this month, and so on and so on and so on. Mucho loco. I will be glad when it's over. Do any of you guys feel like sometimes you are stretched so thin, you may snap? That is totally where I'm at. I am loving this, but it is a stressful time, and I wish we were all in the same city so I could take Myrtle and drive to see any of you, whenever I wanted, and we could just talk about nothing for a while (though we all know we'd probably end up talking about puking, or some other looooovely thing we always do! hhahaha!) Man...good times.

So, I know Ali isn't coming to Calgary in the summer, and Hannah isn't, and Kathleen isn't. I don't know what I'll be doing yet. What are you (Jo and Rita) doing? Let me knoooow!

ALSO, Nomad, are you going to move here next year? Do you know yet?

LOVE!

well, old news, new info

Hello peeps!

SO the old news is, my ankle is still messed up, but I found out that it has gotten worse. Basically one ligament has completely torn off now, another one is either gone, or "dangerously close" to ripping off as well, and another one is badly stretched. Now, this means that my talus bone (the bone of the foot right below the tibia that is usually held in place by the ligament I no longer have) has moved downward and in. This means that it is hindering my range of motion in the joint, and my physiotherapist says that if I don't get that fixed then it could go into a position and lock my joint completely so i wouldn't even be able to walk properly. Because of this, I am no longer allowed to go on my tippy-toes (on demi-point) or sit cross legged, or sit on that foot at all. Now, because of this lack of motion and shifting of bones, my achilles (or however you spell it) tendon has tightened a great deal, so when I do cross my legs and try to straighten my ankle it snaps and hurts a lot. It has also caused my calf muscle to become really tight as well.

SO...

With all this information, and after talking to my mom and dad, surgery seems like a pretty good option for me. Well, actually, I don't really want to have to get surgery, but if it helps me walk when I am 40, it could be the best thing for me. So I am going to talk to my physio about the option, and regardless of what she says I am going to see a doctor and get a referral to an orthopedic surgeon and see what they say about it.

Now this has been a very hard thing for me to deal with for several reasons. Firstly, I am super stubborn about my injury, so with a little tylenol and willpower, I feel like I have solved the problem, when really I just have been perpetuating it. Also, it makes me remember that I will never be a gymnast ever again. This is the hardest thing for me. I realize now that I never mourned the loss of my first true dream in life, and I still identify as an athlete, and more specifically as a gymnast. This is something I suppressed, and has been bursting out of me at odd times since I quit. I know now I really have to find a way to move past it, and see that it is truly a part of my past, and I have to be able to look back and revel in the memories without pain. I also feel like it is something that is beyond my control. I am quite a perfectionist, but nothing I do personally is going to change the fact that my ligaments are gone and stretched, so I need to accept outside help from doctors, physiotherapists, surgeons, and even possibly a psychologist, and the idea of needing all of that makes me feel repulsed by the situation. Logically I know I need this all, but emotions are not logical things are they?

So yeah, I have been struggling with this for a while, but I want to see a doctor sometime this week to get a referral. I don't know if and when I will be able to get in for surgery, but I just really hope it doesn't interfere with my summer London school plans. But there is no real good time to get a surgery that requires MONTHS of recovery...so I guess I don't really get to be so picky.

I just hate having to deal with something that happened close to 5 years ago, you know? I feel mad at myself for not taking care of it after my first 2 years of physio, I feel angry at the physiotherapists for not fixing me, I am sad, and scared...terrified actually, but when I am calm I also see a lot of hope. So I guess I will take this one limping step at a time, and see where that takes me.

On another note, I am excited about the rest of this year in school, and for next year as well. Things are looking good on the academic standpoint. Friend-wise, things have calmed down a bit. I spent a wonderful Valentine's Day with three other girls from my class, and the day before that I watched Hermit dance in a ballet. My God she is a gorgeous dancer. There are a few people that i need to talk to about certain things, but generally life is good on that front as well.

I am in a show called Easter, in UVic's Studio Series. This is a place for writing students to get their plays performed by actors in the department, and directed by people in the department as well. It should be neat. It is about the last three "people" left on Easter Island. A diplomat (me), an Artisan, and a religious leader, and how we all need to work together to make society work, and when we can't work together, how society will crumble. We get to do exaggerated movement and voice work in it, mixed in with naturalism, so I am having quite a bit of fun with it. it is also the first time I will have performed in our black box theatre. So I am excited!

So yeah...sorry for not updating until now...I know it's been a while! Hopefully I will be able to update more frequently!

LOVE! <3

Mouse

and so it begins

My new semester has started, and a crazy ride it is already. I am feeling really optimistic about how I will do in my classes. I am not in a show this semester, so I have lots of time to do well in school, and meet people other than in the theatre. I am super insecure so far in the new year though. I am finding myself shy taking initiative in talking with people I don't know, and other such things. Some of my old insecurities are flaring up again too, which I should nip in the bud before they get too bad.

I am taking a jazz class, which is super exciting, and want to keep writing songs. I also applied to do the summer program at Mountview Academy of Theatre Arts in London this summer, so I reeeeeally hope I get in!

When something more noteworthy happens, I will blog again. for now, Adieu!