...this always happens to me. I get restless, I get bored, and feel the need to move on somewhere. I am loving school...but I am not as challenged as I want to be. I want to be pushed beyond where I ever thought possible. I want to set goals, knowing they may not be possible, so if I do achieve them, it is that much better. I want to be excited and frightened all the time. I want to be surprised by myself and my achievments. And I feel like I can't have this here. Don't get me wrong...the talent here is incredible...but I feel too safe in this school, I think. No...being safe is a good thing...but...ok. In movement, I feel like because I have had such a background in physical things, I don't have to challenge myself to excel. I am getting A's in everything, and I have yet to really feel like I worked as hard as I should. In voice, it is a little more of a challenge, but after being directed by the prof, and having a good background in vocal things as well (singing) I feel like I am getting quite good at that too. Acting is still a challenge. There is always something to work on. I don't think I will ever feel satisfied with my acting, and that is a good thing. I want dance lessons, singing lessons, I want to learn stage combat...so many things that will help in acting. But I am also afraid that I am not good enough. What if i get to be challenged only to find out that I am nowhere near as good as I thought I could be. Life is strange that way. It gives you all your desires, without answering whether they can be met or not. I guess we'll just have to ride it out and see.
Love you!
Kesinee
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3 comments:
Oh my, I totally know this feeling, or at least something similar. At school, I feel like I'm not pushed enough to do my best work, so I don't do my best work. It might just be a facilities/material availability/cost thing, but I often feel like I'm rehearsing, or practicing, or doing rough drafts instead of really putting my all into exhibition-worthy pieces. I feel like ACAD's emphasis on "experimentation" and "exploration" makes it difficult for me to really feel like I'm serious about anything I do. And it's hard to know if I'm justified in the way I feel. I think both of us have set RIDICULOUSLY high standards for ourselves, and when institutions don't follow those standards, we feel we aren't being challenged enough. Not that having high standards for your own work is always a bad thing...but it's definitely hard to realise your own potential when you feel stunted.
soooo true. It's good to know someone else knows how I feel!!! Love you. I miss you terribly, Rita!
Yes. This.
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