...I feel like I'm sinking. I don't even know why, really. I am loving living with Rita, and I know it would be so much worse without her here, but I am slipping nonetheless. I miss my family. Every time I think about them, and how far away they are, and that I am the only one not there, I get really upset. I KNOW this sounds like a little first year complaint, but I was never homesick in my first three years of school. Not really. I have grown up enough to realized how important they are to me, and am still young enough to yearn for the comfort of my childhood home and city. My routines from adolescence, my old job, my car, my room, my friends, the park by my house, my old running route. Everything. I miss it all, but nothing more than my family.
My family also includes my closest friends. I have Rita and Kathleen (and Eve just moved as well) here, but I miss Ali, and Hannah, and Joelle. I miss our sleepovers, and long rambling talks, even our games of truth or truth. I miss watching movies on Ali's epic sized television, and being just a short drive in Myrtle to get to any of you, and all of you.
I miss my job. I miss working with children. I feel so lost here in Victoria. There is no network for me here, no sense of purpose this summer. I feel like I am useless, and the embarrassment of my family. I am the only one to not have a fulltime job. I DO have a job at a theatre here, but it is far too partime. So part time, I often wonder if they really wanted to hire me in the first place.
I think a big thing, is I am just feeling really unwanted within the city. I mean, I do have friends here to hang out with, but no real adult purpose to be here. I had a valid fear at the beginning of the summer that I would regret staying here this summer, and I am afraid that fear is in the midst of coming true. I feel stuck, and sad, and lonely, and mad at myself, and there are happy times, many of them, but right now at this very moment when I am writing this, the overwhelming emotions are negative.
I want to come home. I want to stop crying.
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2 comments:
I feel better than when I posted this. I had a good rest of the day with Rita, and then felt better. I had a conversation with my dad that sent me in a depressing tizzy, but yeah...I feel better.
Aww, hugs! And remember, you can always call me after you talk to your dad. I miss you and love you and want you and I wish there was someway we could visit.
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