Classes are finished, presentation day finished...and now I am officially a fourth year in waiting. I am endlessly excited about this, but also anxious about this. What if I never work as an actor after I graduate? What if I am not ever talented enough, or beautiful enough to do this? What if I succeed? What happens next?
Many people in my class...and others...are always asked to be in shows by friends, are complimented by them everyday, are told how much they have grown and flourished. I am SO proud of my class, don't get me wrong, and I KNOW I seem like I am pretty confident...because for the most part I really and truly am...but sometimes I am really not as well. I know for myself that I have come remarkably far from the Footloose days...but I still feel like I have much to catch up with.
I didn't always know I wanted to be an actor...I wanted the Olympics, I wanted to be a surgeon, a teacher, an gymnast...acting was just something I liked doing. I decided when I was 18 that I wanted to act for a living. Pretty damn late in the game. And now I am surrounded by people who knew what they were meant for since they were tiny. they have been training for it...taking classes, being in shows, etc, for a long, long time. I realized a few things recently:
1. I have never played a lead before...not ever...in my entire life
2. The first real theatre I ever did a play in, was Dark of the Moon...my second year here
3. I will have never played in a proscenium theatre...not even when graduated
Now, I know there are positive things as well...I have a pretty well trained voice and body (though...after a lecture from a famous casting director I am feeling pretty low body-image wise), I can do musical theatre, as well as naturalism...so my range has grown, and my base skill set has increased far more than I thought it ever could before coming here.
It's just so crazy seeing my peers and friends graduate and knowing that it one year exactly, I will be in the same boat as them, and I have basically no game plan whatsoever.
Also...this summer will be AMAZING, but I just found out I will be going to London completely by myself. Now, this will be a huge self-learning experience, that is for sure, but will also be one of the most terrifying experiences of my life to date as well. I have done some pretty epic things in my lifetime...going to Worlds and finaling is one of them...but I have always had people there. This time, I will have me myself and I...in London. Amazing, incredible, exciting, and terrifying!
I am so sad that Kathleen won't live with Jo, Rita and I. I was really looking forward to four of six of us finally living together, but the same thing has happened this year as last year. There is no blame in my heart at all...just disappointment. I mean...the easiest thing would have been for me to stay here with Kayla, and not moved, and been as close as the new place to the University...but I decided that living with Jo, Rita and Kathleen was totally worth it. Now...living with Jo and Rita is STILL DEFINITELY worth the move...I am just sad the experience won't be shared by all that it could have affected. This is not meant to make anyone feel bad, but it is just a part of my anxiety I am feeling right now, so I thought I'd write about it. I wish the other house had worked out...but it hasn't and now the results are not ideal.
A job. I need one. I emailed the Belfy again last night, but no response so far. I hope I have that job...because I will be working in a theatre, but not the Phoenix, it is a 15 minute bus ride away, and I like the employees and atmosphere a lot, and it pays pretty well. i want to stay here this summer...but I NEED money to survive as well.
I want to hear from Hannah. I hear from everyone else, I talk to Ali on msn, get to see Kathleen and Jo here in Vic (though not as much as I would ideally like), I have had numerous phone dates with Rita, I get to talk to my friends from school everyday...but I have heard nothing from you Hannah. I know it is not because you want to distance yourself (or at least I hope not...) but probably because it is easy to forget to talk when you're busy with the Co-op. But just know I miss you, love you, and want to know what's new in your life.
I have been feeling more and more appreciative of my friends and family from Calgary...and the few close ones I've made here in Vic. I realize everyday how much I need support ( as we all do) and am so happy I have a strong system around me. I feel like I need to use it more though. I hope that over the summer, and the next year, I will be able to talk to everyone more...even if I won't be where you are. I need you, and want you to know it...am not ashamed of it...don't feel weak because of it. In fact, my need for you is made more full by the knowledge that I am needed as well. I love how mutual my real and true friendships are. Friendships are something I have thought about a lot this year...what a true one is...what a close one is...what a acquaintances are...what kind of friends I want. I feel lucky to have you in my life.
Kind of contradictory to that...this year I have often found myself feeling very lonely. Yearning to connect with people at a deeper level, when it may not be possible. To connect romantically perhaps, even. I don't know why I have been perpetually single for so long. Is there something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Too fat? Annoying? I don't have any huge personality flaws, I am not violent, I think I get along with most people...but yet...never romantically. Not even close. Perhaps it is just not the right time. Perhaps I have to wait, so that when it happens, it is with the right person, and this long wait will have been for a reason. We'll see. I have been more homesick than ever before. BUT, at the same time, I have learned to BEGIN to enjoy my own company, to love myself and get to know myself in a deeper way. I have been working hard on myself...to be a better person. I have grown not only as an actor, but as a human being, and I am really proud of that.
This ended up being a lot longer than I intended...and I don't even know if anyone actually reads these anymore...except for Ali...I know you do, and I appreciate it! BUT...I just needed to get all this out, before it ate up my insides, and caused me grief.
Love you all, miss you all, and hope everyone is doing well. Let me know! Update your blogs, phone me, facebook me, email me! I am always available for my besties! <3
Bye for now!
Kes
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4 comments:
Oh my goodness Kesinee. That is a lot of anxiety and doubt to be carrying around in one head. There were a number of things that really caught me as I was reading, and even if what you need right now is just to vent, I hope a little reassurance won't hurt.
1. 18 is not late in the game for a career choice. In fact, I'd say it's quite the opposite. Most people change their major/program at least once, and it's pretty much the norm for someone to have two or three careers in their life. I know I've been struggling with the same stuff for a while now, and I understand how intimidating it can be. But graduation is not a contract. At every point in your life, there is time and space to do what you love.
2. I see you as a person with incredible determination and drive. I have seen you approach obstacles head-on and bust them wide open, over and over again. I am inspired by your ability to carve out new paths for yourself, even when it seems like you are the only resource you have. I have every confidence that you will find work that is meaningful after graduation.
3. You won't be going to London alone. The wonderful thing about the internet is, you can contact people you love even when they're far away. If you ever need to settle yourself in your terror, or just need to share your excitement with someone, I'll be checking my email on the hour.
I know there's a lot of turbulence for you right now, and I'm glad to hear that you've been able to locate some of the positives within that. Your strength is amazing. You can weather this. I love you.
Oh my goodness, Rita. I love you so much. I can't even tell you how much this means to me. I have had a pretty few weeks in terms of what's going on in my 'ol head...and it really helps to know that the people I care most for, care for me too. This couldn't have come at a better time. I have lately been feeling like I was a nuisance to people...like if I stopped reaching out, no one would reach for me. I know that is illogical, and I KNOW that in you, and in our other friends I have life long supports. And cannot even describe how grateful I am. Your timing is perfect. And you are perfect in my eyes...I love you so much! Thank you <3
Maybe I'm the most unlikely person to still read this, but I do. Just thought I'd let you know.
And cheer up, dear. :) You are just lovely. Keep doing what you're doing. I've learned recently that life is simply a series of experiences which you are an active participant in, and good or bad, I promise you will follow a good path. Even if something terrible happens, just keep going and you'll eventually pick yourself up and something wonderful will happen. You've always been a very successful person in high school, I don't know much about your experiences in Vic (I'm a little far removed..), but it sounds like things are going well there too. Knowing you, you will go very far after graduation, and I know there's a lot of things to fear with change, but as long as you keep your drive and determination, you will go so many places!
And, if it helps, I'm 21 and I still haven't made a career choice! If 18 is late in the game, I'm fucked. I still have no idea. NOOO idea! So don't worry too much, you have at least another 60 years of acting ahead of you!
Thanks very much Paula, I definitely do appreciate that you read my blog, and even though we don't get to hang out a lot, you are a great positive force in my life as well. Mucho love!
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